Recently, I received a strong message from my 14 year old self. She wanted me to join her in the room that was our bedroom at Denver House, so I did. Although at first, I have to admit, I felt a little reluctant, afraid of what she might want. Afraid that what she wanted might be too painful for me to comprehend.
As it turns out, all she wanted was for me to lay with her and hold her hand, whilst she played me ‘miles to go before I sleep’, which is a song from the Celine Dion album I used to listen to as a way of coping with the abuse I was suffering.
I imagined laying with my 14 year old self in the room at Denver House, holding her hand whilst she played me miles to go before I sleep. I didn’t try to ignore any of her experience, which is what my initial reluctance and fear was calling for me to do.
I held her hand and lay with her and allowed her her experience. I looked around the room and witnessed her experience. I realised that it was not for me to take it away from her. That disrespects her and confuses her. It diminishes her in ways she cannot understand.
I could see how happy she was that I was there laying with her and seeing what she was seeing, feeling what she was feeling. She has waited an awful long time for this. I realised that until I was brave enough to witness her, she could never know the joy that arises from truly being seen and accepted, and neither could I.
I’ll leave you now with the words of the song she played, which felt like a declaration of love from her to me.
I would walk to the edge of the universe for you
Paint you a crimson sunset over sheltering skies
I could learn all the world dialects for you
Whisper sonnets in your ear discovering truth
I could never worship pagan gods around me
I will only follow the path that leads me
To you, baby, always
Every step I take for you
I will always defend, never pretend
That every breath I take for love
I could never be wrong
The journey is long
With miles to go before I sleep
Miles to go before I sleep
I would carry the rock of Gibraltar just for you
Lifted like a pebble from the beach to the skies
I could build you a bridge that spans the ocean wide
But the greatest gift I give you would be to stand by your side
Some can criticize and sit in judgment of us, babe
But they can’t take away the love that lives inside us always
Every step I take for you
I will always defend, never pretend
That every breath I take for love
I could never be wrong
The journey is long
With miles to go before I sleep
Miles to go before I sleep
I won’t run from the changing signs along
The highway
Let the rivers flow to the highest ground
Created
Every step I take for you
I will always defend, never pretend, ooh, yeah
That every breath I take for love
I could never be wrong
The journey is long
With miles to go before I sleep
Miles to go before I sleep
Miles to go before I sleep
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OOKlcZFPiCM&vidve=5727&autoplay=1
-Zoe Patterson
-Fighting Back
Zoe Patterson: Fighting back 