First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

This week I received an advance copy of my book.

For many years now I have wanted to share my story.

The thought that I may be able to help others by sharing my own experiences has been an important factor in my own recovery and healing process. It has given my suffering meaning and with this I am able to rise each morning, count my blessings and, in the words of Henry David Thoreau, ‘live deliberately’.

Well…I try!

Unfortunately this week I have also been plagued with nightmares. It has been exhausting.

Last night I had some particularly disturbing nightmares about the abuse I suffered whilst living at Denver House. After waking for a third time I called for my dog. She knows this routine well now. She dived under the covers, turned herself around and then settled down next to me with her head resting on the opposite pillow.

Having her next to me and listening to her breathing (snoring) helped me to ground myself in the present and go back to sleep.

This time I had a wonderful dream that I would like to share with you.

I dreamt that I was cycling along a winding, cobbled road that climbed a steep hill. I was tired and it was dark. The bike I had was not suited to the road I was riding along which made the journey difficult but I would not allow myself to stop. I had a sense that I was almost where I needed to be although I had no idea where I was or where I was going.

I kept on cycling until I reached a flat surface on the hill. I stopped just as the sun began to rise. As it rose it spilled light over everything below it, revealing a beautiful town just on the other side of the hill. Beyond the town I could see the ocean glistening.

I like the way the light of the sun takes the place of the night’s darkness each morning.

I am grateful that I am enveloped by this light every day no matter how long the night before it.

The sunrise reminds me that light finds it’s way into all places in the same way that our inner light will shine through an open heart and wash over all of the darkness we have known.

Let us promise to keep rising and shining!



Somewhere over the rainbow

Just before waking yesterday I found myself briefly suspended in a kind of sleepy half state. A place somewhere just over the rainbow where happy little bluebirds of consciousness fly, bringing joy to all who witness them.

Whilst in this suspended dreamlike state I found myself overlooking a vast forest canopy that was bathed in the golden light of the sun. I had no form I could identify with. I was simply an observer and I did so happily.

The canopy was dense and I knew that hardly any light would reach the forest floor. I wondered what this would mean for the future of the forest.

I was reminded then of a forest fire. How the destruction of the old clears a path for the sun and then over time, as if by magic, a whole new forest takes the place of the old.

There are many things planted in the earth, unseen and unknown to us, waiting patiently for the first rays of sun to fall upon them to start the process of growth. Awakening life.

It seems to me that the process of spiritual awakening is like a forest fire. Deep within us are seeds of consciousness that wait patiently for the first rays of sun, the light of awareness to reach us. But in order for this light to reach us we may first have to experience some kind of destruction or change in our lives. It may be painful. But rest assured that once we have been touched by the light of awareness our growth will be unstoppable, and over time magical things will occur for us that awaken us to our true nature and our connection to all that is.

May the light of awareness fall upon you and fill your heart with joy.



The apple tree at the bottom of the garden

Two nights ago I had a dream I’d like to share with you.

I was a child again playing outside and exploring nature with two of my friends from primary school. As we were playing we found a children’s book and so we sat down together to read it. In it was written a single poem…

She looked upon the garden one last time.

The clock on the mantle said it was time.

With moistened eyes she drew the curtain,

and closed her eyes to life, uncertain.


Oh apple with your rosy, golden hue,

what sweet delight I’ve found in you.

I hold you in my hands so dear,

and as I remember, alas I tear.

At the memory of my mother’s voice, as she relayed your passing.

And the freshly plucked apple I held so dear,

but I knew that too was dying.

I held an apple the next year too,

in memory of you.

And marvelled at the apple tree,

that grew, and grew and grew.

For not only did it give apples again,

the next year,

and each thereafter,

but it grew taller too.

As if it knew that the woman who had planted the seed,

had not gone from us,

but had returned to the earth,

to begin her life anew.

I really have no idea why I dreamt about this poem, or why I felt compelled to write it down in the middle of the night. In my dream the book had beautiful illustrations that suited the story perfectly but I don’t have the skills to bring those to life. I can only write the poem. I hope you enjoy it.

Wishing you much love as always,

Happy Easter,


In this time of solitude

I hope this blog post finds you well as we deal with the current challenges of our time.

I wanted to share with you an extract from one of my favourite authors, Paulo Coelho, as written in his book, Manual of the warrior of light.

The warrior of light has learned that God uses solitude to teach us how to live with other people.

He uses rage to show us the infinite value of peace. He uses boredom to underline the importance of adventure and spontaneity.

God uses silence to teach us to use words responsibly. He uses tiredness so that we can understand the value in waking up. He uses illness to underline the blessing of good health.

God uses fire to teach us about water. He uses earth so we can understand the value of air. He uses death to show us the importance of life.

I’d like to use this time of solitude to reconnect with my soul and truly listen to my heart’s desires.

Life, like us, is precious and fragile, and each new day presents us with an opportunity to embrace all that is good.

I’ve much to be grateful for and moving forward I would like to channel my energies into all those things that give my life value.

When the lockdown ends I pray that we are all able to connect with those dear to us and embrace new friends. If you think about it, we are all friends of friends, it’s just that we haven’t all met.

I pray we are all able to find peace and have the freedom to live our lives according to our own values and beliefs.

And I pray that we all realise that misfortune is not necessarily a malevolent force that works against us, but one that has the power to steer us in a different direction towards greater things. Greater peace, greater understanding and unconditional love.

Wishing you much love, peace and good health during this time and always.


Happy New Year (2020)

Today I made the first entry into a happiness diary that was given to me by a friend. The diary encourages you to record anything that makes you smile each day over the course of a year.

Walking my dog today I passed a house, and as I was passing, a man who I am assuming was in his late fifties, practically skipped out of the doorway singing a song. Seeing this made my heart smile today.

And straight away I thought, that’s going in the happiness diary! And then I thought, how incredible it is that this man, who I’ve never seen before, has absolutely no idea that his joyful energy will be the first thing I record in my happiness diary! And as I thought about that and actually filled in the diary I thought, why not blog about it?

So this man, who I am assuming is in his late fifties, has absolutely no idea that today he has been written about not only in a strangers happiness diary but also in her blog.

My point is this, whether we know it or not, our presence in this world matters and we have the power to make others happy just by being ourselves.

So let’s focus on what makes us happy as we move into the new year, for the benefit of others and ourselves.

With much love always,


A leap of faith

Firstly, apologies to my followers for the lack of posts lately.

I’ve made a lot of changes in my life over the past few months. I’ve changed jobs, taken on some new voluntary work and started college.

All of these steps I have taken in pursuit of a dream I have of creating a not for profit community interest company, offering practical and emotional support to women whose lives have been affected by abuse.

I am happy to report that I am well on my way to trialing my first official twelve week programme, with the support of an experienced counsellor and yoga teacher.

As exciting as all this is, unfortunately I have also been experiencing a lot of fear, which has for a time silenced me in terms of writing.

Which brings me onto what I wanted to discuss, doubt and fear.

Recently a friend recommended I read a book called ‘The body keeps the score’, by Bessel Van Der Kolk, which is all about the ‘mind, brain, and body in the transformation of trauma’.

I have almost finished reading it and have found its content fascinating. Did you know that trauma, and in particular sexual abuse, can have as much of a physical effect on the brain as a stroke?

I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who has experienced trauma and to all those working with traumatised people.

Near the beginning of the book there is a quote I read that reminded me of something I wrote ten years ago.

“Doubts are like our fears and should be treated as such. They will never a leave a person who grows continuously. When you begin to doubt, know that you are in a moment of potential glorious change. Now isn’t that magnificent.”

I wrote this after completing my first six minute mile. I was on a treadmill and approaching the end of my fourth mile. I had five miles to run in total and I realised that if I upped my pace to a six minute mile, I’d finish my run in 34 minutes, which at the time would mean a new personal best for me. I didn’t know if I could achieve it but I was willing to try.

I increased my pace and after the first three minutes I began to doubt myself. I then became afraid that I might fall off the treadmill. And as my lungs began to worker harder than they ever had before I was hit with an almost overwhelming urge to hit the stop button, or reduce my pace right down to a steady jog, however I persevered, and to my surprise I completed the last two minutes without the overwhelming feeling that I needed to stop.

And so I realised that for as long as I was aiming for new goals in my life, it was likely that at some point on that journey I would encounter doubt and fear.

Plunging into the unknown is scary. There are no guarantees of success. However, I truly believe that self doubt, like fear, is there only as a guide to help protect you. A personal invitation to step outside of your comfort zone, and not, an instruction to ‘hit the stop button’.

And so I will leave you now with the quote I read which inspired this post.

“The greater the doubt, the greater the awakening; the smaller the doubt, the smaller the awakening. No doubt, no awakening.” C.-C. Chang.

So go on and take a leap of faith once in a while, the results may transform you.

With much love to you,