Author: zoepattersonfightingback

Recently, I received a strong message from my 14 year old self. She wanted me to join her in the room that was our bedroom at Denver House, so I did. Although at first, I have to admit, I felt a little reluctant, afraid of what she might want. Afraid that what she wanted might be too painful for me to comprehend.

As it turns out, all she wanted was for me to lay with her and hold her hand, whilst she played me ‘miles to go before I sleep’, which is a song from the Celine Dion album I used to listen to as a way of coping with the abuse I was suffering.

I imagined laying with my 14 year old self in the room at Denver House, holding her hand whilst she played me miles to go before I sleep. I didn’t try to ignore any of her experience, which is what my initial reluctance and fear was calling for me to do.

I held her hand and lay with her and allowed her her experience. I looked around the room and witnessed her experience. I realised that it was not for me to take it away from her. That disrespects her and confuses her. It diminishes her in ways she cannot understand.

I could see how happy she was that I was there laying with her and seeing what she was seeing, feeling what she was feeling. She has waited an awful long time for this. I realised that until I was brave enough to witness her, she could never know the joy that arises from truly being seen and accepted, and neither could I.

I’ll leave you now with the words of the song she played, which felt like a declaration of love from her to me.

I would walk to the edge of the universe for you 
Paint you a crimson sunset over sheltering skies 
I could learn all the world dialects for you 
Whisper sonnets in your ear discovering truth 
I could never worship pagan gods around me 
I will only follow the path that leads me 
To you, baby, always 

Every step I take for you 
I will always defend, never pretend 
That every breath I take for love 
I could never be wrong
The journey is long 
With miles to go before I sleep
Miles to go before I sleep

I would carry the rock of Gibraltar just for you 
Lifted like a pebble from the beach to the skies 
I could build you a bridge that spans the ocean wide 
But the greatest gift I give you would be to stand by your side 
Some can criticize and sit in judgment of us, babe
But they can’t take away the love that lives inside us always 

Every step I take for you 
I will always defend, never pretend 
That every breath I take for love 
I could never be wrong
The journey is long 
With miles to go before I sleep
Miles to go before I sleep

I won’t run from the changing signs along 
The highway 
Let the rivers flow to the highest ground 
Created

Every step I take for you
I will always defend, never pretend, ooh, yeah
That every breath I take for love
I could never be wrong
The journey is long
With miles to go before I sleep
Miles to go before I sleep
Miles to go before I sleep

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OOKlcZFPiCM&vidve=5727&autoplay=1

-Zoe Patterson

-Fighting Back

… is a line from a song by Keane that resonated with me when I was 17. I heard it playing on the radio recently and remembered how difficult it had been for me to watch my childhood friends attend college and then later on, university, when I could not.

At 17, I was unable to continue studying as I was suffering from the effects of the abuse that was still ongoing at that point in my life. Although I didn’t understand that at the time. I blamed myself. I believed that I wasn’t good enough and that there was something inherently wrong with me which was the reason why I was unable to progress in the same way that my friends were able to.

I didn’t understand that I was contending not only with the effects of PTSD, but also with the challenge of living independently at a young age, with no emotional support and financially reliant upon the benefit I’d been encouraged to apply for by my leaving care worker.

Now, nearly 19 years later, I am weeks away from earning a first class degree in counselling that will allow me to offer professional support to others who’ve experienced adversity and abuse. This week also marked the 5 year anniversary of the publication of trafficked girl.

I feel incredibly thankful to have reached this point in my life and I hope this post brings hope to anyone reading who also resonates with Keane’s song, everybody’s changing.

You are not alone.

-Zoe Patterson

-Fighting Back

#ITSNOTOK

Did you know that if you have been raped or have suffered any kind of sexual assault or abuse, at any point in your life, you can submit an anonymous report to the police without them knowing any of your personal details via Blue Sky Centre.

This UK service can support those who decide they do not wish to make a formal report to the police but would like to provide anonymous information to them.

Anonymous reporting helps the police build up a picture about what is happening in their area without them knowing anything about you.

If you decide to report anonymously, Blue Sky Centre will write an anonymous account of what happened and submit it to the police. They can also direct you to local services in your area that offer the same service.

If at any point you decide you would like to formally report the abuse to the police, Blue Sky Centre can arrange this for you. There is also the option of having an informal chat with the police before formally reporting should you so wish.

Whatever your decision, Blue Sky Centre will respect your wishes and support you through every step of the reporting process, be that anonymously or formally.

To find out more please visit: https://blueskycentre.org

#ITSNOTOK

You are not alone.

It was not your fault.

Help and support is out there.

Love,

-Zoe Patterson – Fighting Back