Zoe Patterson: Fighting back

A weary traveller was sent an angel and a demon to accompany him on his journey towards a destination that had been marked out on a map and given to him by God. Along the way the angel revealed many blessings whilst the demon revealed only curses.

The traveller chose to remain silent during the journey. He keenly observed his traveling companions and listened intently as they spoke, fascinated by their different interpretations of the path they were travelling along. To him, the path had been an ordinary one until the arrival of the angel and the demon.

The traveller noticed that when the angel spoke he felt renewed, as though he had only just begun his journey. He felt connected to the world around him and was stunned by its beauty. When the demon spoke he felt deflated and alone, and everything around him seemed to wither and lose its sparkle.

Upon arrival, the angel took a step forward and named the destination that had been marked out on the map, heaven. The demon stepped forward to call it hell. Then the traveller stepped forward and smiled as he realised what the purpose of his travelling companions had been.

As the traveller thought about the journey he had just completed he fell to his knees in gratitude, ignoring the demon and counting his blessings like the angel, and thanking God for both of his travelling companions who ensured that he reached his destination.

I believe that heaven and hell are states of mind.

It is easy to switch back and forth between these states, especially after enduring abuse, and this can be exhausting for both adults and children alike.

Make sure that you surround yourself with angels.

As children we have no control over this but as adults we most definitely do.

Trust your instincts. A persons energy will tell you all you need to know. Pay attention to how the people around you make you feel. It is important.

You are important.

And let’s not forget to count our blessings!

 

 

 

I was recently asked the question, “Do you believe in God?”As today is Easter Sunday I will attempt to answer it.

I do believe in God, however for me, God is not a “being” or something that is associated with any kind of organised religion.

I wrote the note below six years ago when I was still in a dark place. I hope it goes some way to explaining exactly what it is that I think of when I think of the word, God.

My tears will not be in vain.

My anguish will not be without reward.

My suffering will lead me to peace and I shall know joy in heaven.

For heaven is on earth, and in death, with these words, I will be immortalised forever more as a messenger of the kingdom of God.

For maybe God is a petal from a flower, or a simple blade of grass.

Wishing you a wonderful Easter,

Love,

Zoe

In early 2014 I met a woman who changed my life forever. Those of you who have read my book will know this woman as Pam. I dedicate this post to her.

On 26 June 2014 I had a nightmare…

I dreamt that I was on my push bike, riding through a pitch dark tunnel. I knew that the tunnel was a dangerous place to be, but I also knew that I had to make my way through it, the alternative was too scary to contemplate.

As I made my way through the tunnel, peddling as fast and as hard as I could, I was aware of unknown men grabbing at me and hurting me. I knew that they would rape me and worse if I let them pull me from my bike. They grabbed at the back of my trousers and burnt my back with something hot but I managed to get away from them.

I emerged from the tunnel and found myself at the beginning of a path that I could see led onto many other paths, in a town I did not know. Crowds had gathered to observe me as I exited the tunnel and I could hear them talking amongst themselves, commenting on the scars and bruises that were visible on my body.

I was not affected by these comments, I was concerned only with finding my way through the maze that lay before me. I was determined to do it, and with the help from a stranger who stepped forward from the, not unfriendly crowd, I did.

I made my way through the town and found myself standing in a doorway looking into a large room that was full of Buddhist Monks. Each monk was surrounded by a mosquito net that protected the space around them. They each had a bed upon which they were sat and I could see that they were meditating.

I watched them meditating and noticed that scattered around them, within their protective shelters, were hundreds of chrysalis. Suddenly, they began to split and beautiful butterfly’s climbed out to stretch out their wings.I stepped through the doorway to get a closer look.

I realised that it was the monks meditative power that had coaxed the butterfly’s out of hiding. I then noticed an empty bed in the corner of the room, covered in unhatched chrysalis. I knew that the bed was meant for me and that it was time for me to claim my own space and awaken all that was sleeping within me.

Looking back through my journal, I am reminded of a quote by the chinese philosopher, Zhuangzi…

…Pam, I want you to know that because of your help, I now feel like Chuang Tzu.

Thank you for helping me spread my wings and fly.

Love,

Zoe

 

Today I received a lovely email from a lady in Australia who has read my book. Her message moved me to tears and I am so grateful that she decided to reach out and let me know what reading my story has done for her. I was having a difficult day myself yesterday after having had a nightmare, and the email I received today lifted me up and reminded me that I am not alone.

The note I am going to share with you is for all of us fighters out there, because love is the answer…and, “we got this!”

A fighter is so much more than those moments in the ring. She is each and every moment of preparation, both physically and mentally, in body and in spirit.

It is in the moments of preparation where the true battle begins and the character of the fighter determined. Not in her moments of glory and enlightenment but in her moments of sadness, sacrifice and doubt.

That is where the heart of the fighter lives and breathes. That is why she fights and that is where love can conquer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s finally publication day and I have been able to see my book on the shelves for the very first time. As I stood with jelly like legs in WHSmith looking at my book, I could not help but think of myself as a 13 year old girl sat on the roof top of Denver House. Usually the memory is a sad one but today I was able to smile.

I pictured myself sitting next to my 13 year old self and handing her a copy of the book.

“Here you go, Zoe. We did it. We made our voice heard. Now lets get off this roof because we have a boxing match to train for…”

 

By this time tomorrow my book will be on the shelves in book shops waiting to be purchased. It has not been an easy process getting to this point but ultimately it has been a rewarding one. I have mixed emotions regarding the publication. I would not have chosen to live through any of the horrific abuse I have endured, but I am extremely happy that I have found the strength and the courage to do something positive with it.

My hope is that my story reaches other survivors out there who may need a little reminder that they are not alone. To you I want to say don’t ever give up hope. Incredible things can happen when we have faith and dare to believe in love.

I would like to thank Jane Smith and the team at Harper Collins for all of their hard work. Without them I wouldn’t be writing this today. I am forever grateful for this opportunity. It has been a life changing experience for me.

I would also like to thank the readers who have contacted me. I enjoy reading your comments and I appreciate the time you have taken to get in touch. I hope you continue to be inspired by my story.

Love,

Zoe

This morning I took the dog for a walk through our local park. It was a beautiful morning and I could not help but notice how vibrant everything looked. Our local park is full of trees and as we strolled amongst them I felt like I could physically sense the life force flowing from them, even though many of them are not yet in leaf. Which got me thinking…

We have just as much right to life as the trees and the flowers, and like them, we have just as much right to stand tall and own our own personal space. Personal growth is a process, and like a tree that grows in spurts, it would be foolish of me to think that I could rush this process.

You can not rush personal growth any more than you could order a tree to leaf out and bloom.

With spring just around the corner I wish you all the best with your own personal growth and anything that is new in your life or preparing to blossom.

 

Like a firework love wants you to fly, it wants you to soar. Filling the sky with your light in all of your glory for all the world to see.

Love does not wish for you to be grounded. Out of sight. Contained.

Love is the spark that will light your fuse.

 

 

On the eve of Mother’s Day I would like to share with you a note I wrote with my own mother in mind.

 

From the moment I was cut from my mother I experienced hunger and thirst. From that point on I have been driven each and every day towards satisfying these cravings.

Cravings for which I am eternally grateful for they serve to remind me of my spiritual appetite. I know that the food and water I consume will not satisfy me for long just as the truths I receive about myself and life will not.

I am in constant search of my next meal, constantly searching for my truth. Such is the road of enlightenment, gently leading me back to myself, my mother, the earth.

 

Yesterday I had my first trauma focussed counselling session. It went well. It wasn’t easy but by the end of it I left feeling confident that my current struggles may well improve over time.

Last night I woke up several times after having had a number of nightmares.

Today I am tired. I am feeling a deep sense of sadness and loss so I have decided to take today at my own pace. I know that I am right where I need to be in order to heal. I know that allowing yourself the time and space to experience your emotions is a huge part of the healing process.

I would like to share with you the details of the last nightmare I had. I believe it contained an important message for me about connection. I hope that it will be of use to you whenever you are faced with any kind of challenges that require courage, faith and perhaps, a little help from another.

I had run away and found a new place to live after a long night of being trafficked. The house itself was empty in the sense that it was no longer occupied but inside it was full of what I assumed must be the previous owners belongings. There were black bags full of rubbish, pieces of broken furniture and other unrecognisable items strewn all over the floor.

When I looked out of the front window the street was unfamiliar to me. When I looked out of the window at the back of the house I was faced with my parent’s back garden. I was too tired to try and figure out what this meant. I needed to lie down and rest.

On the verge of collapse I picked my way through the rubbish and found a bed to rest in. As I was closing my eyes a tiger appeared and settled down at the foot of the bed. I knew it was there to protect me and I felt a little safer as I shut my eyes for a second time.

Suddenly, I could hear shouting and banging outside the front door. The men who had raped me the night before had found me. They had come back to take me away again. I could hear them trying to break down the door. I was scared and didn’t know what to do. I sent the tiger out to attack them but they deflected its attack and knocked it unconscious.

I was trapped and was almost ready to give up when suddenly I felt someone tugging my hand. It was a little girl. I couldn’t let her be seen by these men so with a strength I didn’t know I had left I got myself out of bed and out of the house, making sure I closed the door behind me. It hurt to leave the little girl in the house alone but it was the only way I could keep her safe.

I faced the angry men as they advanced on me. I was shaking with fear. I had no idea how I could escape from them. I couldn’t go through another rape. That is when I noticed a fast flowing river alongside us. The water was dark and was more like tar than water but I knew instantly that it was my only hope of getting away.

I could not let those men get to me or to the little girl so I threw myself into the river, letting it carry me away. The men gave chase which lead them away from the house but they could not keep up with the river.

Then the tar like water began to pull me under. I started trying to grasp for the river bank but I couldn’t keep hold of anything for very long. Then a hand appeared through the reeds on the river bank. It reached out for me and I knew instinctively that I had to take it if I didn’t want to drown but I was scared. I told myself that I had to have faith and trust that the person offering their hand wanted to help me.

I reached out and the hand grasped mine firmly and began to pull me out of the river. When I was halfway out I closed my eyes. When I opened them again I found myself in a room with three other women. These women were dressed in fine silks and wore jewels and headdresses. They gave the impression of being extremely wise and magical. I felt safe in their presence.

The leader of the trio stepped forward and presented me with a red and gold fountain pen. She said that I was being awarded this special gift because I had proved myself to be a warrior of the highest order. The women had seen everything that had happened and told me that my actions had saved the little girl from untold pain and suffering. They had seen that I had risked my own life to save her innocence and for that I could now go home in peace. I need not be afraid anymore. If I returned to the house the tiger would be waiting for me and would now be my companion for I no longer needed a protector. My fight was over and I was safe.

One of the things I will be working on during therapy is my fear of people and relationships. When I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder the psychiatrist suggested that if the world had been the cause of my problems then why not let the world mend them.

I went home and thought about this as it didn’t sit well with me and then I realised that this was because it was not the world that had caused my problems but the people in it. Then I rephrased his suggestion.

If people have been the cause of your problems then why not let people mend them.

The thought of doing this still scares me but I am getting better at reaching out when I need to and because of this I have met some incredible people who have completely changed my life.

If you ever need help don’t be afraid to ask for it. There are some good people in this world and good things can happen when we connect…trust me!